Try “Any pet is a lot of responsibility. A puppy would have to be fed, walked, and taken outside to use the bathroom several times a day and taken for regular check-ups and vaccinations at the vet. You can’t do all of that by yourself, and I/we don’t have the time or money either.”
When your teenager says “Why can’t I come home at 2:00 this Saturday?”
Instead of defaulting to “My house, my rules!”
Try “The time you come home is a matter of respect and consideration. I/We will not only be concerned for your safety, but we would either be disturbed in the middle of the night when you arrive or forced to stay up for several extra hours waiting.”
When your child says “Why am I not allowed to do this thing?”
Instead of defaulting to “My house, my rules!”
Try actually communicating a legitimate reason, because children pick up on subtlety and on context and on the unspoken messages, and it’s better to teach children lessons like “You should think really hard before taking on new responsibilities” and “It’s important to show consideration for the needs of the people with whom you share a living space” than lessons like “It’s okay for people to demand your absolute obedience so long as you’re dependent on them for survival.”
TRUTH
Also worth knowing: training your child to accept arbitrary ‘reasons’ for obedience like ‘because I said so’ and ‘my house my rules’ etc trains them to be more susceptible to peer pressure because in their mind, when someone who is at all an authority (older than them, bigger than them, more impressive than them, more confident than them) demands something, they should accept it and not think about it critically.
Let them ask why, and give them a real reason. If not, don’t be surprised when they fall for lots of bullshit when they are older. You’re the one that made them believe ‘BECAUSE’ was reason enough.
Peer pressure wasn’t even something I was thinking about, but this is absolutely true & a good addition. “My house, my rules” sends a message of “I am the authority here and you must obey me,” and can set kids up to be more susceptible to bullying (whether as the bully or the victim) & relationship abuse (again, on either side), as well as potentially making them less willing to question the abusive authority systems around them.
as someone whose parents were usually very good about this, it also created an environment where authority was earned, meaning my respect for my parents was genuine. so on the rare occasions they were like “i can’t explain but my gut is saying no,” or, “there’s no time to argue, just do it,” i knew they weren’t just railroading me, they were probably right.
This. My parents were and are far from perfect, but I’m very lucky that when they felt strongly that I should not do something, or even had to stop me, they took it seriously enough to explain why it mattered so much to them. Or told me when they couldn’t articulate their reasons but still felt intensely about something.
There’s a real-life superhero in Virginia.
As a child, he was bullied for his ADHD
because he sometimes did random things
like crawling around on the floor. Now
he’s known as The Black Widow, a master
of martial arts who prowls the streets of
Norfolk practicing parkour and free
running. Despite his a multi-tool utility
belt, first aid kit, and retractable police
baton, he avoids violence because he
prefers to talk people out of a fight. Source
Stories like this are always pretty cool. Read up on Phoenix Jones and the Rain City Superheroes for more stuff like this.
