1. It is not free. It is never free. Unless there is a sign on it that specifically says “FREE” it is not free
2. We hate capitalism but it also pays our bills so we have to love it
3. You being a dick to me for no reason is not going to make your experience any better. Or me any nicer.
4. “Service with a smile” is really taking a toll on my facial muscles. My resting bitch face wasn’t made for this.
5. Your “I just printed it this morning” jokes when I run your bill for counterfeit isn’t funny. We actually take this shit seriously.
6. I know the store inventory better than you. I can bring it up on my computer screen. So when you tell me to go “check the back” I don’t know what you want me to do other than to wander aimlessly, say hi to my buddies in other departments and tell you what I already know.
7. Don’t wink at us. Don’t mistake good customer service for flirting. It’s creepy. It makes us super uncomfortable. And when you make comments to us while we ring you out, it makes everything more awkward.
8. Why the fuck did you shit on the bathroom floor the toilet was right there
9. If an employee says they are off the clock or on break, do not bother them. Seriously. Don’t.
10. Don’t be a dick to retail workers. No one gets paid enough for that.
Never delete. Never read what you’ve already written. Pass Go, collect your $200, and keep going.
This is the literal best writing advice I have ever read. Period.
Special note: “Kill someone” means kill someone in the story. Please do not kill random real life passers by every time you hit a block. My lawyer says misunderstanding writing advice is not an acceptable defense. See you all in 25 to 50 years.
