I’ll be honest, whenever a work of speculative fiction (fanmade or otherwise) goes out of its way to describe an intelligent species with bizarre and complicated reproductive biology, the first question that invariably pops into my head is: “How do these critters masturbate?”
what if masturbation was uniquely a human experience though
Okay, I know that you meant “what if humans are the only intelligent species that’s anatomically capable of masturbating?”, but now I’m picturing a universe where humans are the only ones that ever thought to try it.
Human masturbation specialists traveling the galaxy to offer our gift, undertaking rigorous study and enormous personal risk to teach weird-ass aliens how to rub one out.
Calculating the exact harmonic frequencies to allow ancient, vacuum-dwelling crystalline intelligences to self-stimulate.
Descending into the crushing atmospheres of gas giants in specially constructed aerostats to design sex toys for the vast, jellyfish-like super-predators that prowl the hurricane slipstreams.
Wanking is our genius. Our legacy.
As hilarious as this is, pretty much all mammals, several birds and reptiles and some other animals masturbate.
Adding into this, one of the funniest things that ever happened when I was a kid is my cousins were taking a picture at this family reunion. It was at one of their farms, and they had a horse standing next to the truck they were taking a picture in front of. The horse kept making weird grunting noises, and then right as we started snapping pictures it reared up and smacked this poor girl in the face with its dick, and then preceded to jizz on the other 3 people taking a picture.
you have an interview next week. you always have an interview next week. The managers who interview you all seem to share the same pleasant, blank face. They promise to call you back in a few days. They never do.
they say the minimum wage is going up soon.
you must have two years of experience. you must have five years of experience. you must have ten years of experience. experience in what, exactly? the job requirements bleed into an ancient latin text as you attempt to decipher them.
the people in the photos in the craigslist ads smile eerily at you. their eyes seem to follow you around the room even after you click away from the job posting.
do not apply in person, the posting says. do not send in your resume. do not apply. we’ve lost too many employees to the creature as is.
you plan on leaving your job soon. you’ve been planning on leaving your job soon for months. you keep making excuses as to why you haven’t left your job yet, but you know deep down that even if you put in your two weeks tomorrow, you wouldn’t leave the company as the same person you were when you applied. if they let you leave alive at all.
you seem to see “help wanted” signs everywhere. when you enter and inquire about them, the employees wave you away. you hear their cries for help again as you leave.
you are more than qualified for the job that you are applying to. you are over-qualified for the job you are applying to.
the pink panther is even more advanced and powerful than i thought a mere moment ago because i just realized it is either the fursona of an inanimate object or the gemsona of an anthropomorphic animal depending on how you read it. the apex.
