*something minimally embarrassing happens on a light hearted tv show*
me to myself, covering my eyes with a blanket: “don’t worry baby it’s not real, it’s only actors. In real life embarrassing things don’t actually happen”
Things Edward Could’ve Said That Sound Less Suspicious
Bella: Your eyes are a different color, did you get contacts?
Edward: Uh haha yeah I did. I think they look pretty cool.
Edward: *stops the car and saves Bella* Hey are you ok? *stands up, pretends his arm hurts* Awesome I’m gonna get this looked at now.
*Tells Carlisle. Comes back to school with arm in a cast and sling*
Bella: How did you stop that car? You were amazing.
Edward: Well sadly I wasn’t bit by a radioactive spider and I don’t have superpowers. Doctor said it was an adrenaline rush, it’s a common natural response to life or death situations. Basically it maximizes your body’s physical capabilities. So yeah it’s like temporary super strength and speed. Crazy shit.
Bella: You’re so cold. I can’t feel your pulse.
Edward: I have hypothyroidism and bradycardia.
Bella: Aren’t you going to eat something?
Edward: I have to be on a special diet.
Bella: Oh right, your condition, sorry.
This list could go on and on. You’d think after being a mind reading vampire for 91 years you’d learn a thing or two about being a good liar. SHEESH.
I’ve systematically checked the entire multiverse over the course of my many lives, and I’m dead fucking certain this is the only reality that has dippin dots
