Stop motion from the 1970s. Ancient and all knowing in his jerky movements and wildly spinning.eyes. Orphaned under mysterious circumstances, raised by elves in the woods. Unfamiliar with human customs. Pure of heart.
6/10 Santas
2. Nightmare Before Christmas Santa
Needs a fucking vacation. Takes no shit. May never trust children again. Will bitch slap a skeleton if needed and invite his gf to tea.
11/10 Santas
3. Netflix’s Christmas Chronicles Santa (or, Kurt Russell Santa)
Potent sexual energy, more than any santa should ever have. Has the ugliest elves ever, all of them disturbing crosses of a cat, Gremlin, and rodent-like creature. Historically, if this santa doesn’t do his job, wars literally happen as a result (remember WWI? Apparently this guy didn’t finish his deliveries all 4 years). Does crime and kidnaps children and actually ends up in jail.
3/10 Santas
4. Rise of the Guardians Santa
The most powerful Santa, but also the most vulnerable. Can snap Kurt Russell Santa over his knee. Is Russian. Carries two literal scimitars to cut a bitch down to size. But must rely on children believing in him to stay alive.
10/10 Santas
5. Tim Allen Santa
The most lethal santa of all, murdered his way to the top. committed the egregious sin of being played by tim allen
2/10 Santas for childhood nostalgia
Having watched Arthur Christmas and Klaus, I have some new Santas to add to the rankings:
6. Arthur Christmas Santa Claus
An old fart who needs to retire and forge actually meaningful relationships with his kids. Looks the part of the jolly red guy but the military regalia is an immediate detractor. Needs to give Mrs. Claus more respect. Comes to his senses by the end, therefore redeeming himself.
7/10 Santas
7. Steve Claus
If you ever thought Santa couldn’t pull of Armani, you’d be right. This wannabe Santa defiles the classic Santa coat, doesn’t like kids, and has a dumb goatee. But he also trades in the old Santa sleigh for an alien space cruiser which is absolutely fucking baller.
5/10 Santas
8. GrandSanta
Hey kids, what if Santa were racist towards elves, sexist, and absolutely off his fucking rocker? Such a glory hound he almost made the Cuban Missile Crisis worse, got the classic Santa sleigh mothballed and almost gets his grandson killed a bunch of times with his incompetence. Also, makes the entire world think UFOs are invading Earth.
10/10 for being utterly batshit
9. Arthur Claus
The most genuine Santa the world has ever seen. Reads every kids’ letter and replies to them, remembering almost every single kid as an important, unique individual. Gets no respect because he’s goofy and cares too much. Saving one kid’s Christmas is as important to him as saving everyone’s Christmas. His Christmas sweaters and slippers are incredibly valid.
11/10 Santas
10. Mrs. Claus (honorary mention)
The only one in this family with their shit together I s2g. While Santa takes the credit for the entire Christmas operation she’s off volunteering at the elf hospital and brokering treaties with Greenland. Learned how to pilot a spaceship by taking an online class. Could take care of the whole Christmas shebang with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
1000/10 Santas
11. Klaus
Big man means big heart. Widowed, socially awkward woodsman with an entire cabin of toys he made for the children he never got to raise. Befriends local postman via kidnapping because he doesn’t know any other way. Secretly a huge softy who needs affection foisted on him whether he wants it or not. Instead of just dying of old age like some peon he becomes a magical force of nature who continues to deliver toys to children every Christmas Eve like a total boss
