If you would like to know how my day has been, imagine that you’re driving on the interstate at 80 miles per hour, sandwiched between semi trucks hurtling along faster than you are. Suddenly you feel a tickle on your neck and realize that it’s a wasp, blown in through your open window and crawling along your collar. You don’t move. Your speakers are blasting Queen, and they’re too loud, but if you move your arm the wasp might be pressed against your skin and sting. You’re not afraid of the pain but you are afraid that the shock of it will cause you to lose control of the car. The wasp crawls up your neck and onto your face and under your glasses and now you’re afraid of the pain and you have to drive like that, perfectly still, while the wasp tries to climb over your eyelashes. THIS THING. CALLED LOVE. Very, very slowly, you roll your window down further, hoping the change in air pressure will dislodge it, but the wasp only clamps down harder on your eyelid and oh god it tickles. There’s nowhere to pull over—you’d have to change lanes. I JUST. CAN’T HANDLE IT. Finally you reach up toward your eye and gently coax the wasp onto your fingers. It clings to them tightly, smelling your skin, before you fling it as hard as you can out the window.
I wish there was a way to tell companies that I dislike an ad so much that I will actively avoid buying anything from them because of it
So slightly unrelated but still relevant, generally when I come across an ad that just really fuckin annoys me for whatever reason I’ll go into Google and just type different variations of “I hate ‘x’ product” like 5 times until googles algorithm picks it up an I never see an ad for that product again. It’s amazing.
Apparently people really like seeing the Zelda enemies get rated so here’s Octoroks!
There’s, uh… there’s kind of a lot
Legend of Zelda NES / Link’s Awakening / Oracle of Ages & Seasons
Oh. OH. OOOOHHH. Look at that! Right outta the gate and they nailed it! These guys are the perfect blend of evil and cute. I wanna have one as a pet!
10/10
The Adventure of Link
Quiet. Reserved. Thoughtful. They write poetry and might let you see it if you ask nicely. But they also spam rocks like nobody’s business and honestly they need to tone it down
7/10
Ocarina of Time / Majora’s Mask
Dear god, these make me want to cry. It’s like someone tried to squeeze a nightmare through a playdoh spaghetti maker. Just looking at this thing is giving me radiation sickness
2/10
Wind Waker
Hm. Okay, still gross, but they kinda cleaned up. Maybe too much so. Sometimes you just wanna take a boat ride but these jerks just won’t leave you alone
4/10
Phantom Hourglass / Spirit Tracks
“K-kill me, Link… every heartbeat is an eternity of suffering…”
0/10
Skyward Sword
Goin’ back to that “mysterious” look, and I kinda dig that. They’re a bit introverted and that’s okay. But they’re also stealin’ that Deku Scrub style and I gotta dock points for that
8/10
A Link to the Past / A Link Between Worlds / Tri Force Heroes
Look at ‘em!! Devious but squishy. They’re like if someone gave sentience and spite to a water balloon— just the right amount of fun and lethal
9/10
Breath of the Wild
I kinda like these guys. A little cephalopodic for my tastes, but you know what? That’s fair. Octoroks are already based on—
