Dm: You try to open the chest when all of a sudden it bites your hand.
Me: I wanna tame it.
Dm: What?
Me: I wanna tame the thing.
Dm: The only way you’re gonna tame it is if you roll a nat 20
*Rolls a nat 20*
Dm: …
Me: So… I’m naming it Chester.
The entire party then proceeds to ride the chest and this thing got all of the xp and the dm stopped using what were basically weeping angels because Chester could kill these things almost instantly due to his lack of eyes.
In honor of Lord Byron’s birthday I would like to remind you all of the time that Shelley and Keats, having not heard from him for some time, became concerned for his safety and it was determined that Shelley would go looking for him. Keats received a letter some time later that Shelley had found him in Venice, where he’d been having so much sex that he’d nearly died from malnourishment and dehydration. Keats’ entire response amounted to essentially, “You should probably have let him.”
“I found him, he’s in a gutter.” “Well go put him back”
Just once, I want the hero to go “your wife/sister/mother/whatever would not have wanted this!”, and the villain to go, “actually, we talked about this a lot. She was really into vigilante justice and eye for an eye stuff. She always said, if something like this happens, avenge me.”
“Your mother never would have wanted this!”
“Wow you clearly never met my mother.”
“Your wife wouldn’t have wanted this!”
“To be honest, I’m following her list of instructions. Do you think I came up with this plan by myself?”
“I wanted to go to art school, but no! You had to kill my sister and make me enact her 37 step plan on what to do in case she was murdered!”
“Look, if it was up to me I would be sitting at home watching movies, eating fast food without a care in the world but my mom was very specific in her will and if I want my inheritance, I need to follow this plan to the letter. I don’t know what this guy did to her but man did she hold a grudge.”
“I knew your husband, he was a good hero. He would have wanted you to keep doing good deeds in his stead—“
“Actually, he wanted me to finish his bucket list for him and robbing a bank is on there,like, fifty times.”
I wanna read it…
“bruh, my moms literally haunting me until i kill you.”
BWAH BWAH WHATS NEW PUSSYCAT one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet and when one feels like a duck one is HAPPY prove PROVE TO ME YOURE NOT A ROBOT THATS WHAT I THOUGHT YOUD SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING HORSE i lived like a goddamn ninja turtle MCDONALDS MCDONALDS MCDONALDS you have the emotional backbone of a chocolate eclair FUCK DA POLICE
