APPARENTLY MY MOMS BOYFRIEND HAD JURY DUTY WITH JOHN MULANEY AND WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM
imagine going to the jury and seeing him like i wouldn’t be able to keep it together emotionally i’d just be disqualified the plaintiff would be like “he stole my assets” and i’d be like I Have Fired The Criminal Catcher
John Mulaney Gives You The Death Sentence (ASMR)
Imagine being on trial and you look over at the jury and John Mulaney is just sitting there. How do you handle that, psychologically. How do you not conclude your life has turned into a piece of absurdist theatre
you do something that would make a funny story for him to tell on stage
Yet another installment in humans being fuckin weird compared to aliens: humans give blood, organs, and tissue to each other, because our race is built around being able to function under as much stress as possible.
So of course, what do we do when another human will die without something we could live without?
We go to our local hospital and undergo trauma to provide them with it, for no compensation.
Sure you might need to eat and drink more, take antibiotics or anti rejection drugs, but hey!
B'ril over there had to wait until HIS race figured out stem cells and lab grown organs, because ALL their organs are vital, and losing a pint of fluid flat out kills them or sends them into shock.
“You… you lost… your toxin filters?”
“Well, we’ve got a few things that do that, but yeah, like… four of them?”
“….Four?”
“Well, counting tonsils.”
“You are… How are you alive, again?”
“You make it sound so weird. I still have two kidneys- One’s synthetic, the other was donated.”
“…….donated?”
“Yeah, my girlfriend was compatible.”
“Donated.”
“….Yeah? Like, we had the same blood type and everything, and she volunteered. What, you guys don’t do that? What do you do when someone needs a liver, or something?”
“We… clone one.”
“Okay, sure, but what did you do before cloning? You didn’t just like, give someone a piece?”
“….. we died? Wait, what do you mean, ‘give someone a piece’?”
“Well, our livers can grow back. You can give someone a piece of yours, and they can grow their own. You guys don’t do that?”
I absolutely adore these ‘humans are the hardiest aliens’ stories.
human: “you think thats wild, some people willingly consumer a poison that our livers have to filter through process that dulls the senses. hell some people even drink so much that their body just goes on autopilot while their brain sleeps. we call that ‘blackout drinking.’ here’s the chemical makeup of the drink”
alien: “thats what we fuel our ships with what the actual fuck”
The brain is just 8 lbs of meat that sits in complete darkness and plays a video game of what it thinks is the most realistic thing ever.
it’s 3lbs, not 8. also it’s not really meat, it’s mostly fat with some water and salt. You have a wad of soggy bacon inside your skull. And this blob of gross unprocessed jello somehow manages to run a complex biomechanical suit using less electricity than it takes to work a lightbulb.
And people wonder why humans are so fucking weird and have odd experiences that aren’t actually real. I mean, if a bowl of tapioca pudding managed to hallucinate so vividly it invented calculus, it also going “dude, i heard a weird noise and i’m 100% sure it was the ghost of the neighbor’s cat which hasn’t actually died yet” would be just as expected as anything else.
Polish fishermen have caught an old, huge wels catfish, which had eaten a bit of an SS soldier in the 1940s.
O.O
And by “a bit” I mean his head and a bit of his upper torso, since a fragmented skull, two buttons and the insignia were found inside the gigantic fish.
thank you so much for thinking of me when you see a post about a nazi eating sea monster. :3 this has made my day. bless
If you don’t feel like reading the article, please know that this is one of the oldest wels catfish ever caught–they usually live to be about 60, and this one was between 90 and 110 years old.
Also, I don’t know much about fish but HOLY SHIT THIS FISH IS SO BIG
I WAS LIKE “WTF HOW CAN A FISH JUST EAT A PERSON” AND THEN I SAW HOW BIG THIS FISH WAS AND I UNDERSTOOD
This fish is 187 kg which is a little over 412 lbs and I am so proud of it for eating a Nazi and being so big and strong and old I’m a little emotional rn
I am so proud of this Nazi-eating fish and I think we should make an exception to kashrut laws so that it can be turned into gefilte so that we may digest its anti-SS powers.
reblog nazi-slayer fish for nazi-death fortune in the future.
