Silver Tongue

Sep 27

alexalexalexalex:

meladoodle:

my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen 

So some of these details are probably wrong, it happened a long time ago so I don’t remember the specifics leading up, but it was incredible.

A friend of mine who does stand up was doing his bit at open mic one night, and a guy was heckling him. Just being a total asshole, and then his phone rang and he started talking loudly on his phone about how he’s at open mic and this guy isn’t funny, etc. Now the weird thing about hecklers is that they just want to be a part of something most of the time, so my friend said, “hey man, what’s your name? Can I see your phone for a second?”

The guy actually handed over his phone, and my friend hung up, and scrolled through his contact list until he found the person he was looking for. He hit dial, and starts.

“Hello? Is this [Name’s] mom? Great! It’s very nice to talk to you. I’m a comedian in the middle of my standup routine, and your son is being very rude, [lists off some of the things her son said]…. hold on, can I get you to repeat that?”

He takes the phone away, puts it in speakerphone and holds it up to the mic.

“I said, I’m sorry my son is being such an asshole.”

Everyone lost it. Fuckin’ destroyed by his own mother. My friend said it was one of his proudest moments ever.

(via jadewares)

grimm-jimm:

ferretgalaxii:

porko-rosso:

chefpyro:

you: thesis

me: hot take

*starts my dissertation with “I was gonna post a hot take but yall ain’t ready”*

Cruel Angel’s Hot Take

“Martin Luther’s 95 Hot Takes”

thomas jefferson wrote the hot take of independence

(via demilypyro)

humans are strong thought

i wonder how many aliens would pronounce humans dead without checking their vitals or anything simply because nothing else would be able to survive the thing. like human gets hit by a space car and everyone pronounces them dead and a few hours later, they get up and are like “jesus, that hurt” and all the aliens are all “ZOMBIE!”

ncmares:
“I wanted to have a swing at it before the bandwagon eventually careens off a cliff. Was fun! Totally based on Kan’s rendition, because the best way to develop one’s style is to butcher others’, amirite?
”

ncmares:

I wanted to have a swing at it before the bandwagon eventually careens off a cliff. Was fun! Totally based on Kan’s rendition, because the best way to develop one’s style is to butcher others’, amirite?

(via demilypyro)

snapfoo:
“ kayla-na:
“ izzetseer:
“ angelbabyspice:
“…what???
”
this is a universal experience because education is chronically underfunded across the world
”
You mean portables? Yeah, had a number of classes in those.
”
Oh sweet lord these fucking...

snapfoo:

kayla-na:

izzetseer:

angelbabyspice:

…what???

this is a universal experience because education is chronically underfunded across the world

You mean portables? Yeah, had a number of classes in those.

Oh sweet lord these fucking things

my brothers fourth grade class was in one of those

(via ryukodragon)

starlightshoe:

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compound

(via demilypyro)

[video]

gudroo:
“ frogboy:
“ positively-lgbtq:
“ joey-wheeler-official:
“ asexualgeorgecostanza:
“” ”

gudroo:

frogboy:

positively-lgbtq:

joey-wheeler-official:

asexualgeorgecostanza:

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(via thatsthat24)

(via gearholder)

peep-toe-shoes:

simonbitdiddle:

miss—mystery:

hatingongodot:

pileofknives:

thejovians:

littleblue-black-girl:

onlyblackgirl:

onlyblackgirl:

mangopapi:

deusaurelus:

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Racist are gonna be walking around barefooted

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They having a meltdown.

Bruhhh

Imagine hating black people and being so blinded by patriotism

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Didn’t some old bastard burn up his nikes while he was still wearing em and end up in the emergency room with third degree burns and bits of rubber grafted to his feet

Good

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(via deep-sea-prince)