I’ll be honest, whenever a work of speculative fiction (fanmade or otherwise) goes out of its way to describe an intelligent species with bizarre and complicated reproductive biology, the first question that invariably pops into my head is: “How do these critters masturbate?”
what if masturbation was uniquely a human experience though
Okay, I know that you meant “what if humans are the only intelligent species that’s anatomically capable of masturbating?”, but now I’m picturing a universe where humans are the only ones that ever thought to try it.
Human masturbation specialists traveling the galaxy to offer our gift, undertaking rigorous study and enormous personal risk to teach weird-ass aliens how to rub one out.
Calculating the exact harmonic frequencies to allow ancient, vacuum-dwelling crystalline intelligences to self-stimulate.
Descending into the crushing atmospheres of gas giants in specially constructed aerostats to design sex toys for the vast, jellyfish-like super-predators that prowl the hurricane slipstreams.
Wanking is our genius. Our legacy.
That last addition is possibly my favourite thing Tumblr has ever done for the world.
what i imagined todd howard’s voice to be: adult. in charge. gravitas that shows the courage of a man who releases the same game 8 times with minimal change. a good Nord man selling his wares. slightly robotic.
what his voice actually is: a nerd. probably cried before going on stage at e3. yells at people online from his mom’s basement. this is also where he designs his 1 game. probably could voice bart simpson. a disappointment.
Sometimes I’m just sitting here minding my own business and then I remember that Thor specifically entrusted Loki with placing Surtur’s crown on the fire to initiate Ragnarok and I tear up a little bit because that’s how you love and support your chaotic neutral sibling.
Thor: I know what’ll cheer you up. :) Loki: What’s that? Thor: You wanna trigger the apocalypse with me for the good of Asgard? Loki: !!!!!!!!
my favorite part is that nobody questioned Loki surviving that experience. Thor sent him in there with the comfortable confidence of Loki’s cockroach-like ability to cause the apocalypse and sneak out before it got bad, Loki didn’t try to pretend that this was dangerous, absolutely nobody ever commented…
