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If that butterfly doesn’t go “BLEERGH IT’S ME” and stabs you as soon as you touch it, then the answer is No.
(via demilypyro)
Every god damn time.
(via the-steve-vrc)
(via the-steve-vrc)
what am I supposed to do when I’m at work and a customer asks “do you use chip?” and I say “yes but we don’t use salsa” and they don’t even laugh
the first customer I tried this joke on was like the epitome of White Dad™️ and after I said it his face was stoic but his eyes swelled with extreme pride
(via the-steve-vrc)
(via nofacednerd)
the Big Bad of our campaign is an evil snake lady so our rogue was brainstorming ideas to kill her and came up with:
- Cutting off her arms so she would revert to a harmless garden snake
- Having our Druid morph into a mongoose and fight her, like nature intended
- Dropping food in her path so that her tail grows too long and she runs into it and gets a game over
All my plans are good???
(via demilypyro)
Roy: There’s something I need to tell you.
Riza: Me too.
Roy: Let’s say it together. On three. 1…2…
Roy: I love yo-
Riza: Selim Bradley is a homunculus!
Roy: Wtf.
(via rosexknight)
[video]
Gordon Ramsay but he looks the same age as the actual kids because I can’t draw anybody a day over like. Sixteen.
TG: “THIS GRUB SAUCE IS SO SHITTY THE JADEBLOODS ARE STILL TRYING TO CRADLE IT”
All dominant species in the galaxy has something that sets them apart. From healing broken bones and severed flesh, losing 2/8 of our blood, to being infected by literally billions of parasites, Humans have the gift of simply refusing to die. It freaks the heebie-jeebies out of everyone else.
“What do you mean average life expectancy is 80 years?”
“Umm, it’s not really that long is it? I mean don’t turtles and stuff live for over a hundred years?”“Yes, but you have blood drives, where you just give away your blood in case someone else needs it. and apparently it’s normal for you children to break their limbs.”
“… yes…”
The Captain looked at the small screen in her hand as some new information popped up. “And it says here you survived a severe bout of tonsillitis? How would you eve–”
“Oh yeah, had to have them out when I was eleven. I got to stay in bed for a week and a half and eat all the ice cream I wanted, it was kind of fun.”
“Fun?” the alien shook her head, amazed. “And your file also says you’re living with only one kidney, somehow?”
“Yeah, my cousin needed one because his was shot, so I just figured–”
“–that you could give one up, just like that. Amazing.”
There was a sudden commotion outside the room, and then an alien crewman threw open the door, his tentacles standing right up and his normally violet complexion now looking much more blue, a clear sign he was in some distress. “Captain! They poison themselves for fun!”
The Captain looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
“They– they regularly, like… several times a year, a lot of them… just… they drink alcohol, Captain! For fun! It damages their livers and kills brain cells and makes them feel awful the following day, but they like it!”
The Captain’s face was now also quite blue as she turned to face the human sitting across from her. “Is this true?”
“Well, yeah, a lot of people drink alcohol for fun. I just drink a couple times a year, now, but back in my college days, I could’ve shown you a really good time.”
“Amazing,” said the Captain. “They really do poison themselves for fun.”
(via demilypyro)