a small bird got loose in the store earlier and it was super freaking out about being inside. bonking into the lights on the ceiling, frantically squeaking, etc. so of course, i want to help this tiny critter, and the managers want it out, because we’re a grocery store and we cannot just Have A Bird.
what i MEANT to convey to my supervisor was “i raised chickens for ten years and also sometimes i catch feral pigeons in the park to de-string their feet and do first aid so if you need help catching this finch i can probably do it.”
what actually came out of my mouth was “i catch birds in my spare time.”
which was, judging by the look on his face, the most terrifying thing anyone has ever said to him.
(via dan-mcneely-deactivated20210328)
So my new English professor is my uncle only he has no idea because he hasn’t talked to my mom in about 20 years so do you think is should tell him
You know what nevermind he’s a dick I’m going to talk to my mom to get dirt on him so I can blackmail him if the need arises
You should write a story about a boy for an assignment and include loads of life details about him that your mum tells you so that it’s obviously him but change all the names then hand it in and be really confused if he questions you about it
Oh my god
(via newbarrk)
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you know what would be Great? if we could go back to when being “daddy’s girl” meant you were spoiled by your dad and not a grown woman who roleplays pedophilia and incest to get your partner off.
you know what would be Great? if people stopped criticizing what some people do behind closed doors when it affects you in no way what so ever.
if yall did it behind closed doors I wouldn’t fucking know about it, sharon.
(via newbarrk)
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Prepared for any sort of foreseeable milk shortage/milk apocalypse
(via dan-mcneely-deactivated20210328)
groundhog day
(via newbarrk)
One day, that “secret family recipe” will just be that recipe their ancestor looked up online years ago and everybody liked.
I found out one of my family’s “secret recipes” is on the back of the pudding box. Uncle Rich bakes up some lies.
While researching his book The Nordic Cookbook, chef Magnus Nilsson found that every family in Sweden has a special, unique family recipe for pickled herring passed down secretly from generation to generation. He got about 200 of these. They were all exactly the same. He traced the origin point back to a popular cookbook published in the late 1960s. I think the moral of that story is everyone’s grandma is a liar.
I don’t think it’s about lying, exactly - both my grandmothers lived through that momentous changes of the 1950s when life went from the Middle Ages directly to the shiny and neon-white FUTURE, and we often discussed how frustrating that period was for them, because on the one hand, they could suddenly cook in half the time thanks to magic boxes and prepackaged shit and electric appliances, but on the other, every single husband in the continent was still clamouring to eat the same meals they’d known their whole lives, made the exact same way their mothers had made them, okay, and for women like my grandmothers this was such a uuuuuugh and Goddammit, Peter, situation because there were so. many. things they’d rather be doing - they had young children, and okay, but the post-war period was this exciting hub of new activities and weird classes and finally leaving behind the rationing and the worry and the constant, gnawing anxiety of the war and the last thing they wanted was to mash potatoes by hand in their kitchens when they could buy potato flakes for next to nothing and spend the morning doing yoga instead and yet men - they were suspicious and antagonistic towards any kind of technology aimed at women, weren’t they, and that’s how mothers and wives up and down the country started to bluff their damn asses off and Yes, dear, that’s aunt Clara’s recipe, that’s why it tastes a little different and Dont’ be silly, it’s been in the family for generations and Here, look at my cookbook, and there it would be, copied neatly by hand in blue ink: the back of a pudding box or whatever else, because grandmothers are like wizards and they never lie - they tell exactly the right amount of truth.
(via newbarrk)
(via afallenwolf)
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