rick and morty fans wasting full tanks of gas going on these epic pilgrimages to McDonalds so that they can get specially branded promotional packets of sauce and then rioting when they couldn’t get it is just overwhelming to think about.
if they wanted to try szechuan sauce they could have just bought it at like, walmart. or made it themselves. but no. they drove miles upon miles to special mcdonalds to get a taste of this meme condiment, because justin roiland made a joke about it in his cartoon show about a man farting in space.
for some reason, this makes me feel sorry for my mom. she raised me as best she could, but there’s no way she could have prepared me to live in a world where shit like this is a regular occurrence. nazis are running around. grown men who think they’re smart for liking a cartoon are knocking over mcdonalds because they dont have meme sauces. a cartoon supervillain is the president. she couldn’t have known. nobody could have known it would be like this. every day is a trial.
is it possible that the world did end in 2012 and everything since has been our punishment?
The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.
Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.
So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.
Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.
oh shit
Make every mythical monster a bear in your campaign
My roommate from Beijing is fascinated by English expletives and is asking about the most offensive terms we have. I tried to explain the difference between insulting swear words and offensive slurs, and he was delighted by ‘asshole’, ‘motherfucker’, ‘bastard’, ‘dickhead’, and ‘shithead’. Explaining slurs without using any proved to be difficult, as he just tried to insult me by saying, “You are a big slur!”
I told him that he can combine different words to make new ones and he just pointed at me and said, “Fuck you, you son of shit-sucker! You loser!”
“In China, we say ‘fuck your mom, fuck your ancestors, fuck your parents, fuck everyone… but we don’t say ‘fuck yourself’. I love that! In America, you can fuck anyone, even yourself!”
welcome to the land of opportunity, my brother. Please, sit down. Relax. Go fuck yourself.
if an archaeologist says an artifact was probably for “ritual purposes” it means “i have no fuckin clue”
but if they say it was for “fertility rituals” they mean “i know exactly what it was for but i dont want to say ‘ancient dildo’”
Back in the day I worked at a certain very famous and very high caste art museum in the US as a junior curator. Part of my job was to catalog the objects in the museum database. This includes details like provenance, measurements, and a visual description of what the object looked like.
Like I said, the museum was a pretty snotty institution. It’s got a LOT of objects it’s way famous for possessing, but nobody knew about the absolutely massive collection of Moche erotic pottery it had because the curators were totally embarrassed by this stuff.
Some examples:
Pretty hot shit, right? They never, ever put any of this stuff on public view or published it in any catalogues but - we legit had like several hundred pieces of Moche ceramics in the “dirty pots” category. Anyway, I was left alone to just do my job with regard to the database for several years, ok? And I figured, well, these’re accessioned objects in the museum’s collection - better get down to bidness.
I catalogued every goddamn bestiality, necrophiliac, cocksucking, buttfucking, detached penis, and giant vulva drinking cup in that collection. I’d be like,
A drinking vessel in form of a standing man wearing a tunic and cap. He holds an oversized erection in his hands and stares into the distance (note I did not say “like he’s hella-constipated”). The vessel has a hole at both the tip of the penis as well as around the rim of the figure’s head, thus forcing the drinker to drink only from the penis or risk spilling wine all over themselves from the top of the vessel. Red and orange slip covers the surface of the piece.
Pretty straightforward, right? Apparently the deep seated fear of these objects that the curators exhibited was meant to spread to me as well, but - no one ever gave me that memo, because I guess Midwesterners reproduce asexually. When the curators understood that I had catalogued all of these objects in addition to the other, non-sexy pieces in the collection, they were apparently livid, but knew they had no legs to stand on in terms of getting pissed at me for it.
I visited the museum’s online public access database a few years back and - every single description I wrote of these pieces has been totally neutered to say something like Male figural vase.
Long story short? Just call a dildo a fucking dildo. It’s all gonna be ok, I swear.
This is absolutely the MOST unusual reblog I have ever tagged with what is probably my second-favorite tag, “talk to me about your work.”
Plus it’s hilarious.
Keeping this to show to all those weirdos who insist that “ancient times weren’t as ‘’’‘decadent’’’’ as today”
