homestuck paternity court
troll maury, receiving an envelope: And the results are in! Dave, before I read these aloud, do you have anything you want to say to the man you are accusing of being your baby?
dave strider, eight months pregnant, looking pretty good all things considered: yeah ngl i started writing this hoping for one thing and now its dangerously out of hand. please free me from this prison
is… Is the baby john?
making a shitty pun while im DMing is a gamble because theres it could either grant you a point of inspiration or it could cause you to get targeted by the next trap
Dm: ok so what do you do with this slime
Bard: Ok let’s take him to-
me: woah woah woah. Did you just assume it’s male?
Dm: Let’s just say it’s non binary
me: Or we can say its…. gender fluid
Dm: I’ll make sure it kills you first
catholic school speedrun
during the first liturgy if you slap the communion wine out of the priests hands and collapse at his feet hollering in tongues you can clip right through the floor and go straight to hell
funny story when my dad was in catholic school the teacher said “the only true swear word is the lord’s name in vain” and my dad replied “so does that mean you can say ass” so he got whipped with a ruler
fun fact, saying the lords name in vain isnt saying “goddammit” its actually using the bible to perpetuate bigotry
“Both sides” journalism needs to die.
A journalist’s job isn’t to create false equivalencies.
A journalist’s job isn’t to be a stenographer for the police.
A journalist’s job isn’t to promote corporations.
I’m not a journalist, but I thought their job was to report the truth and the facts.
To the customers who apologize repeatedly for “bothering” me, or offer to clean up their own spill if I just get them some paper towels, or walk all the way around an aisle so as not to disturb me when I’m blocking their path, I just want to reassure you that you are NOT the annoying customer we complain about in retail. You are very kind and you clearly respect me and my time and I appreciate you. Also I am happy to help you with whatever you need and it is not at all a bother.
To the customer who shouted “EGGS?” at me from twenty feet away because apparently it was just too much trouble to come a few steps closer and use a complete sentence like “where are the eggs, please?”: fuck you.
