Silver Tongue

severalowls:

snorlaxatives:

snorlaxatives:

oh wow five years ago today the stylish but illegal monkey was found roaming around ikea in toronto…. now this is truly an iconic date in meme history

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never forget

The Ikea Monkey is alive and well at a sanctuary in Ontario! He was only a baby when he was found clothes shopping in Ikea.

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Name: Darwin, Japanese Macaque

Date of Birth: 2012

Arrival Date: December 10, 2012

Previous home details: Darwin was born in Canada as part of the exotic pet trade in 2012, and had lived in a family home in Toronto. He was found in an IKEA parking lot in December 2012 after escaping from his owner’s car and was seized by local authorities. A social media and worldwide news sensation, Darwin has resided at SBFPS ever since.

Condition upon arrival: Darwin had been imprinted by humans, which rarely bodes well for a monkey. He was very insecure upon arrival, and needed to be the centre of everyone’s attention. He was sheltered from the other monkeys until he got used to his surroundings.

Progress: Since his arrival Darwin has grown in strides - learning to be far more monkey than human. He is grooming Sweet Pea, and calls to Julien and Lexy - mimicking their vocalizations and learning how to speak macaque. He has grown in size and confidence as well, and was slowly transitioned towards having multiple caregivers who he can trust and love as his ‘troop’, as he had no real monkey mother to show him the ropes.

Personality Traits: Darwin is a cheeky little guy, that’s for sure! He loves to play all day, and is always bouncing off the walls with excitement, especially when his favourite people come to visit! He loves to play tricks on you when you’re not looking, like any adolescent!

Favourite Activity: Darwin loves Curious George! He has a Curious George doll whom he takes to his pool to give a bath, and grooms him and tries to get him to drink. He also loves swinging on his fire hose.

Favourite Food: Darwin loves grapes, dates and cherries - but cherries definitely top the list!

Wish list from staff: Darwin can always use new and exciting toys, and he loves his fire hose swings and swimming in kiddie pools!

princessmajestic100:

We can still fight.The FCC will be burned.The three evil men shall die while the two sane precious ladies stay alive :)

shipbot:
“ astrodidact:
“What a piece of shit Ted Cruz is…
”
did ted cruz just fucking use ‘Me, an Intellectual’ in a tweet
”

shipbot:

astrodidact:

What a piece of shit Ted Cruz is…

did ted cruz just fucking use ‘Me, an Intellectual’ in a tweet

retrotrash:
“Seriously, melt them all down.
”

retrotrash:

Seriously, melt them all down.

systlin:
“ strutsonicely:
“ tomyfancy:
“ systlin:
“I’M DYING
”
Day 3 of 5
“Dear Citizen,
In order to deliver on our promise to save America, we knew we needed to tackle our country’s biggest issue: wealth inequality. The richest 0.1% of Americans...

systlin:

strutsonicely:

tomyfancy:

systlin:

I’M DYING

Day 3 of 5

“Dear Citizen,

In order to deliver on our promise to save America, we knew we needed to tackle our country’s biggest issue: wealth inequality. The richest 0.1% of Americans have as much wealth as the bottom 90%.

Our lawyers wouldn’t let us pursue our first choice - a campaign to eat all the rich people and live in their homes - so we settled for something more achievable. Today, Card Against Humanity has redistributed your wealth.

Using the survey you filled out when you signed up, we identified the 100 poorest recipients and sent them each  check for $1,000. To see how this $1,000 is impacting these peoples lives, read their stories at CardsAgainstHumanityRedistributesYourWealth.com. The next 10,000 poorest recipients got a $15 refund check.

You got nothing. And if you don’t like it, tough titties.

I love you,

Cards Against Humanity”

I was one of the 100 to get the check from these folks, and holy shit I was CACKLING at the hurt people on Facebook. Some people only cared about their precious $15 when it helped the poor.

Congrats! I’m thrilled that some of my $$$ went to people who needed it. 

grifalinas:

scotsdragon:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

mirrorfalls:

moon-crater:

aesthethiicc:

A Christmas Carol is so wild to me because it takes not one, not two, but like four fucking ghosts to convince this dude not to be the biggest douche in the universe. Like, four fucking ghosts came back from the dead, rose from the Goddamn grave to be like, “I came back from the dead because you need to quit your shit.” Fuck. How big of an asshole do you have to be to have four fucking ghosts tell you to stop?

Have you ever met a rich capitalist

Also, one of those ghosts was a rich capitalist douche. He needed to reform Scrooge to work off his own sentence, didn’t he?

Marley’s ghost basically told Scrooge that if he kept being a greedy douchebag he would go to hell and Scrooge still needed convincing and that honestly is 100% believable to me

That an old rich white guy being told “Your going to hell unless you help the poor” would respond by going “I still kind of want to NOT help the poor tho?”

Charlie Dickens knew what was up.

Honestly the more unbelievable part was that it only took four of them one night