Aries This battle IS. FOR. REAL. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm bringing it downtown. You know, right? I'm playing music on the street, I'm getting a noise complaint. But you know what? I don't even care! Because this is my art and n-FUCK!

Taurus Mark mistakenly ordered me nine pizzas! I wasn't sure if I should keep them or not because I really enjoyed pizza! But when I opened them up it was pineapple and ham! And I don't like ham and I'm alergic to-FUCK!!!

Gemini I knew a guy named Jesus, I asked him "Hey, isn't your name pronounced hesus?" and he said "No, my mum is very religious." and I said "Wouldn't that have prevented you from having the name Jesus?" AND HE SAID FUCK!

Cancer RADICAL REPUBLICANS REALLY WRECK MY RECTAL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!

Leo Jerry wrestled bears for a living, but he wasn't happy with it so he changed his proffession to golfing, he wasn't happy with that either, he just realised he was an unhappy dude in general! So he saw a psychiatrist and tHE PSYCHIATRIST FUCKING DAMN IT!

Virgo Jennifer dumped me.

Libra Recklessly! I touched a car that didn't belong to me! It was a very nice car, a 1978 Bugati. That's not even a real car model! I made it up! and i- DAAAAAAARGHHHD!!! DAMN!!!!

Scorpio Register now at your local supermarket for the rewards card. It will save you 10% on FUCKING GOD DAMN BULLSHIT! FUCK!

Sagittarius Uhhhhhhh- UUuuuhhhhh... gerRymanderiNg poliTIcians always get theIR wAy unLESS YOu vETO thEIR VOTE in a vOTING BOOTH. YOU HAVE THE POWER! AS A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES, REGISTEREEDTO VOTE AT YOUR LOCAL DMV, sO thAt YOU CAN CONTROL THE FATE OF YOUR COUNTRY- AT LEAST SOMEWHAT! I mean there's the electoral COLlege and everything! but I don't know! I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HOW POLITICS WORK! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!

Capricorn I was caught murdering some man named Steve. I talked to the police and I REFUTED that I had anything to do with the murder. The police said "Wait- Wait! Then why are you sTANDING ABOVE THE DEAD BODY!??!"

Aquarius My dad... really likes... that i'm doing music right now. BUT HE'S KINDA DISSAPOINTED THAT I'M NOT GOOD AT IT. BECAUSE. HE SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE WRITING MUSIC. AND I'VE ONLY SPENT A COUPLE OF-fuckGODD!!

Pisces "The Ross shot"