My roommate threw a huge party in our room while I was out with friends and, when she was super drunk, spilled sh*tty beer all over my childhood teddy bear and threw him out. Every morning since I’ve been turning her alarm off, right after she sets it, while she’s brushing her teeth before going to bed. She’s missed her last four 9 AM classes (officially lowering her grade to a C), thinks her phone is broken, and is about to spend a sh*t ton of money she doesn’t have on a new one.

That’s what you get for messing with Larry Beary, f*cker.