advicefromsurvivors:

uristmcdorf:

abbiehollowdays:

ummzaksbest:

abbiehollowdays:

goatwishes:

anguisettesnakedtruth:

ancient-string:

solitarelee:

advicefromsurvivors:

Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”

I have never heard this put into words before but it explains so much. Even as a kid I was constantly scared my mom was mad just when she was making a neutral expression cause she could go from 0 to 60 with no other warning. 

Omg I didn’t realise. I do this. I’m constantly checking that people are ok and not mad.

Because that’s what my dad did. 0-rage monster in a second.

Hyper vigilance over other people’s emotional state because of previous / repeated / continuous exposure to volatile people is seriously just…the most exhausting, fucked up, draining, relationship-fucking, driving-yourself-mad thing and it is so rarely explained well or talked about at all and I’m SO GLAD this post is going around. 

If someone is even slightly less than being 100% positive/happy/approving of me I pick up on it right away, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I fret and stress and am on edge. Which is so unfair because other people are allowed to have feelings and they’re allowed to express those feelings and it’s almost never about me anyway. 

And then trying to explain that you expect them to be volatile assholes when they’ve never shown any evidence of being that way, and trying to say that it’s not personal, is almost impossible. Because it’s always taken personally and how can they not, really? 

I wonder what the discourse looks like to people who don’t have this

The fucked up thing is that at least at the beginning this hypervigilence helped me at jobs.

I quickly became attuned to the moods of bosses and learned to anticipate their needs and did more/extra to keep them happy. They loved it. But sooner or later they’d learn they could take advantage of me because of it.

Even though I’ve never lifted a hand to my child, I find myself explaining my feelings a LOT, because I never want my child to think, “I’ve done wrong and I don’t know what or how to fix it.” In the top ten most frequent expressions around here, “I’m not angry at you, I’m just tired/worried/in pain/concentrating/in dire need of coffee” has a regular spot. 

^^^that’s awesome! A lot of parents treat kids as if they don’t deserve an explanation or apology which is very confusing when the kids are still learning to articulate emotions.

I have some friends who tend to be overly-quick to apologise for things that aren’t their fault, or to need to check in that things are cool.

I dunno their past, and it’s not my business unless they want it to be. But I try to make a habit of being extra-clear about my happiness and appreciation of them. I don’t really know if I’m doing it right, though.

Anyone able to point me towards any resources for helping make people with these sort of issues feel more comfortable and less worried? It takes all of a second to say something reassuring and I try to be mindful for people in other circumstances when I know something is particularly important to them.

(I mean, I really appreciate it when people anticipate and do low-key things to ease my anxiety, or speak to me plainly and without pretense to help with my occasional social-skills issues, so it’s only fair to do the same in return)

Hi there. I’m the originator of this post, and I’d say you’re on the right track. I’d suggest a few things, though.

• If you’re in a neutral mood, make it clear that you’re not angry, upset, or unhappy; you’re merely feeling sort of “whatever” and that has nothing to do with your friend.
  
• If you’re tired, busy, or otherwise in a situation that will leave you giving short answers, explain it. “Sorry I’m giving such short answers, it’s been a long day and I’m pretty tired,” or “Sorry I’ve been giving you one-word replies. I’ve been working on a project today and that’s kept me really occupied.”
• If you’re upset about something else and you’re comfortable sharing it, it could help. “I’m probably coming across as a little angry today. I got to my car and there was a parking ticket on it, and I’ve just been frustrated all day.”
• If you and your friend(s) are close enough for it not to be awkward, you could just say something outright. “I’ve noticed that you apologize a lot and that you check in often to make sure I’m not upset. If there’s something I could do to help alleviate that worry or make you more comfortable, you can tell me.”

@kilalabunnies