dragon-in-a-fez:

we cannot ever resolve the problem of violence against children in our society unless we give up the idea that the worst thing a child can be is disobedient.

this is what so many people are failing to understand when they whine about how youth rights advocates should stop concerning ourselves with silly little things and just worry when there’s “real abuse” happening. the two causes are one and the same. perpetuating the idea that children are morally obligated to be submissive primes them for abuse. perpetuating the idea that parents must be dominant in order to be fulfilling their responsibilities encourages them to be abusive.

stop praising kids for submissiveness. stop remarking on how “good” they are when they don’t argue or complain. stop equating “respect” with obedience. stop calling a child “well-behaved” when what you really mean is that they’re being silent and taking up as little space as possible.

instead, praise kids for goodness and moral strength that come from within. recognize them for acts of kindness and selflessness. show pride in them for helping others. encourage them when they take responsibility. support them when they stand up for themselves.

stop praising parents for dominance. stop expressing wonder at their ability to keep their children on a short leash, to silence them with a word, or to strike fear into their hearts with a look. stop looking impressed when parents gleefully expound on all the ways they’ve been “tough” on their kids.

instead, praise parents for cultivating good human relationships with their kids. tell them how great it is to see them make their kids smile. recognize them for respecting their kids, for talking to them like people. encourage them to spend time just hanging out with their kids, in moments that aren’t about teaching or correcting or giving orders. recognize the courage it takes for them to admit when they’re wrong. support them when other adults cast judgmental eyes because they’re not being disciplinarians.

making things better starts with how we talk to each other.