“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”

“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”

“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”

“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated. 

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

This is relevant to our discussions lately of interacting with wildlife. 

There’d totally be a manual like ‘How to handle Humans 101′, every alian Captain would have it and its longest chapter would just be different breathing and relaxation excercises.

Or:

Imagine the Captain talking with another alien crew member about human behaviour, both of them being absolutely stunned and frustrated by it, and their human overhears it.

After listening for a bit, the human breaks down in laughter, causing the aliens to turn around, startled. Once the human calmed down enough to speak, they just wheeze:

“Holy shit! We’re the Steve Irwins of the universe!”

The aliens would of course ask what a Steve Irwin is, so the human explains in great detail what he was like. The aliens are increasingly horrified.

Or:

They are negotiating a trade agreement with a particularly stubborn species for decades. Suddenly, the negotiations are interrupted as a panicked guard informs them that a pack of the planet’s largest predators (They look like a mix of libellas and crocodiles, but with a lot more claws and fangs, and they are as big as a bus.) is nearing the government building.

For safety, the Captain and the government official quickly gather everyone in the room, but the human is missing! Just before the Captain can start panicking, xe hears delighted laughter from outside. Shocked, xe turns to the window just in time to see their human sitting on one of the flying beasts, legs wrapped around the animal’s neck, hands thrown in the air.

The beast and its pack land right in front of the building. After a few minutes, the Captain hesitantly steps outside, to find the human petting the monster’s head, meaking cooing noises at it.

“What on Qzlawdé do you think you’re doing there? And where is your supervisor?”

In that moment, the human’s supervisor climbs down from one of the smaller animals with a sheepish expression and points at their human: “Her fault!”

The planet’s native are half terrified and half impressed. An agreement is reached within minutes after the Captain mentions that once their species are allies, they may find some humans willing to move there.

Or:

It’s not just animals of course. Imagine capture bonding!

The human is taken hostage by enemy forces and after a week of frantic searching, the crew finally determines the location of their human. They storm the enemy’s star base armed to the teeth, intending to rain down hell upon those who dared touch their human.

They expect to find their human severely injured, probably being tortured, but instead, when they storm the command room, they find their human alive and well.

Their human is having tea and playing a card game with the captors and several other prisoners. Upon seeing the crew, the human just looks up and smiles: “Hey, good to see you! Wanna join?”

The crew just give each other incredulous looks, slowly lowering their weapons. Unsurprisingly, their enemies are suddenly very open for peace talks.

Or:

Due to the unexpected turn many events tend to take around them and the human’s friendly nature, supervising the crew’s human is actually a very popular task.

“Happy birthday, crewman Xwynak!”

“Thank you, Captain! Uhm… if you don’t mind, there’s something I’d like for my birthday?”

“I’ll see what I can do. What is it?”

“If that’s possible, could I maybe have a double shift of guarding our human today?”

Or:

There’s a planet that had small crab-like animals whose shell is covered in minerals. They’re also extremely venomous.

“No!”

“But they’re so pretty!”

“I am turning this ship around and you will leave them back at the planet!”

“Just look! They sparkle! And they don’t really hurt anyone!”

“No, they’re just capable of killing almost every living organism in the known universe. Which is why I don’t want them on my ship!”

The human’s eyes widen, lip starting to quiver…

“Fine. You can keep one, as long as it’s peoperly contained.”

The human still looks unhappy. “But they’ll get lonely…”

The Captain gives a resigned sigh. It’s useless, arguing with a human about the extremely dangerous animal they’ve banded with this time. “Two. The rest goes back!”

Or:

Space pirates or maybe some enemy species attacks. They succeed in entering the ship and upon seeing the empty room they’ve entered, believe that taking over the ship will be a child’s play. They couldn’t be more wrong.

They crack open a door, but at the first look into the next room, they frantically scramble back, but to no avail, they are being followed.

The ship’s human is slowly, almost leisurely walking closer, a vicious smile on their face. “You intend to harm my crew? You’ll have to go through me first. Well, me and my pets. So please, come at me if you dare!”

Behind the human is a whole zoo of the galaxy’s most dangerous predators, all devoted to protecting the human.

please write this book I’ll give you whatever you want