“Some of you have raised… concerns about the new substitute teacher, Mr. Notspiders. I’d like to address them once and for all: Mr. Notspiders is definitely NOT a poisonous giant spider. He is also not a gaggle of poisonous spiders pretending to be a person. This is rude, unacceptable behavior. He’s a well versed professional wizard like all the other teachers, and I will not tolerate such disrespect towards a member of our board.”