luciencor:

susiephone:

underrated john mulaney quotes:

• “he never forgets a bitch ever”
  
• “…and he was almost impressed!”
  
• “because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
  
• “SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
  
• “…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
  
• “i’m a little fat girl”
  
• “the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
  
• “and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
  
• “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”
  

Tag yourself I’m “SCATTER”