D&D classes as john mulaney quotes

ncc-seventeen-oh-fun:

Barbarian - *smashes a 40 on the ground and yells* SCATTER!

Bard - the entire salt and pepper diner story.

Cleric - You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

Druid - Aaah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!

Monk - I’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.

Paladin - for those of you who aren’t catholic, I don’t mean to exclude you (even though we looove to exclude you)…

Ranger - everybody get out of my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.

Sorcerer - this might as well happen. adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Rogue - Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.

Fighter - sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

Warlock - FUCK DA POLICE!

Wizard - I’m either having a drink or I have to pee. You’re living the golden years kid, not me.

  1. marieballztheamazing2 reblogged this from tinybasementhideout
  2. howonpotter reblogged this from jesperfahey
  3. stormphoenix reblogged this from big-tiddy-goth-ghoulfriend
  4. missspookyskeleton reblogged this from feketeribizli
  5. kriss-watches-stuff reblogged this from bardicknowledgeblogger and added:
    D&D Classes, not Races.