probably-voldemort:

Okay so like there are vampires but one of the side effects of becoming a vampire is that you can’t explicitly tell people you’re a vampire.

Like, if they already know you’re a vampire, that’s cool and you can talk about it with them whenever.  And if they don’t know but are straight up like “hey are you a vampire?” you can be like “yes I am” and then you can talk to them about being a vampire because they already know now.

But the point is you can’t tell people.

So you’ve got this vampire who really wants to tell their friends and they’re dropping all these hints and being as obvious as they possibly can be but their friends just think they over-exaggerate everything.

“Hey, when did you learn to lock pick?”  “Sometime around the middle ages, I think.”  “Okay, fine, I won’t pry then.”

“Cool shirt!  When did you get it?” “Oh, about fifty years ago or so.”  “Dude you weren’t even alive.  It’s a hand-me-down, then?”

“Hey check out this cool Renaissance painting.” *points to a person lying dramatically on the ground* “That’s me.” “Haha, that totally would be you.  I’m the one getting his head chopped off.”  “No, you don’t get it that’s actually me.”  “God, I know.  You’re so dramatic.”

“How long has it been since you’ve been to Europe?” “A couple centuries at least.”

“What’s this red drink in your fridge?” “Blood.”  “Is it that new diet drink?”  “No, it’s blood.”  “No, seriously.  I’m thinking about trying this diet.  Does it work?”  *sighs*  “No.”

“How come you don’t have any mirrors in your house?”  “I don’t have a reflection.”  “Cool.  It’s really admirable that you’re not letting society’s expectations dictate your life.”

“Hey, it’s really sunny out today.  Wanna go for a walk?”  “No.  I will literally burn up and die.”  “Fine, stay inside and watch Netflix.  That’s cool too.”

“I heard these coffin beds are really supposed to help you sleep.  I’ve never seen one this cool though.  Where’d you get it?”  “I was buried in it.”  “Fine.  Don’t tell me.”

“Dude, why are you always so cold?”  “I’m dead.”  “No, really.  I think you might be anemic.  Are you getting enough iron?”