scanlan:

enemy npc, about to kill the party’s bard: any last words?

bard: hold up. hold up just hold on a second.

enemy npc: what?

bard: you’re going to kill me with THAT stance? that arm positioning?

enemy npc: …yes?

bard: at least let me die with dignity! your form is terrible, and you look like you’ve never seen a sword before, much less USE one.

enemy npc, seething: HOW DARE YOU INSUL-

bard: please. please, i beg of you. my soul will know no peace if i die by such an amateur. hand me your sword so i can provide an example of how to do it correctly.

the party, in the back, in disbelief: holy Shit

the dm, in their head: this fucking dude

enemy npc: ex..cuse me?

bard: let me so you the proper form to hold that sword, and i will let you kill me. it’s all that i ask. it’s such a simple request, and it will benefit you greatly in both your technique and the fact that i will be dead.

the dm: Yeah Im Uh, Gonna Need You To Roll Persuasion

bard, ooc: *rolls* alright, i rolled a 19

the dm: hhhhmmmmm :/ okay, i dont think-

bard, ooc: PLUS my persuasion proficiency modifier so…30 :D

the dm: …D u d e.

bard, ooc: :DDD

the dm: they look at you for a moment, sigh, and then hand out their sword for you to grab, and say “fine. make it quick.”

bard, ooc: i say “thank you very much! now, the best way to do it…is…like this!” and i lunge at them and kill them with their own sword.

the dm: aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKING!

the party: *loud, raucous cheering*

the dm: ROLL ATTACK WITH ADVANTAGE BECAUSE THEY LET THEIR GUARD DOWN I G U E S S

bard, ooc: *rolls*

bard, ooc:

bard, ooc: :D

the dm: you Didn’t

bard, ooc: natural 20 :DDD

the party: *just Screaming*

the dm: i dont. i don’t even need you to roll damage, just…

the dm: how do you wanna do this?

the party: *even louder, raucous cheering and screaming. the rogue has to lean onto the barbarian so he doesn’t fall over from laughter. the druid DOES fall over and that makes the fighter laugh louder. the dm has his face in his hands and is groaning about an hour long boss fight being cut down to two minutes because he just HAD to make the boss a dramatic perfectionist. the cleric in character has to use the inspiration the bard gave her earlier so that she doesn’t break concentration on a spell from laughing too hard. the bard is later found dead in miami.*