theroguefeminist:

closet-keys:

One thing I think is useful to conceptualize when thinking about the severity of depression is figuring out what counts as a ‘task’ to your brain

for example, healthy people outlining the tasks they need to do that day might be something like 

- class
- work
- homework

if a healthy person is having a low energy day, maybe it becomes 

- make breakfast
- go to class
- class
- go to work
- work
- come home from work
- work on an essay
- do 2 readings 

a depressed person, on a high energy day will probably see that same day as 

- make breakfast
- eat breakfast
- take meds
- shower
- get dressed
- walk to bus
- take bus
… etc

a depressed person, on a low energy day will see that same day as

- wake up
- get out of bed
- walk to bathroom
- use bathroom
- stand back up
- walk to kitchen
- open fridge
- take out juice
- set on counter
- go to cabinet
- reach up arm
- take down glass
- unscrew lid of juice carton
- pour juice
- drink the juice
- finish the juice
…etc

the sort of chronic exhaustion manifests in how each ‘task’ takes a certain amount of energy and when you have depression, what begins to take that amount of energy- and thus, cognitively count as a ‘task’- are smaller and smaller subdivisions of what other people consider tasks. 

And the more ‘tasks’ you do, the less energy you have, and the smaller the subdivisions must be to take equivalent amounts of energy. And the longer that “to do” list of tasks is, the more exhausting and overwhelming and hopeless it feels, which creates a feedback loop of dysfunction.

So say our depressed person on a low energy day gets all the way to finishing their glass of juice. They’ve actually gotten through a lot of tasks! They’ve tried really hard. 

But to a healthy person, even on a low energy day, that probably looks like not having done anything- not having gotten through any tasks. And when our depressed person is surrounded by healthy people, they will likely internalize that they haven’t done anything, and further that they can’t complete any tasks no matter how hard they try. And that feeds worthlessness and suicidal ideation 

That, I think, is why it’s so important to encourage your depressed and chronically low-energy friends when they accomplish tasks, even if they’re operating at a level of subdivision that you don’t recognize. It is an accomplishment to get water and actually drink it for some folks. It is an accomplishment to get to class or to work. 

And acknowledging how hard someone is trying and how much energy they’re putting towards accomplishing those tasks can make a huge difference in whether they feel worthless and hopeless or whether they feel like it’s worth it to keep doing what they can.

I feel like this can apply to other problems with executive function- like ADHD. I sometimes I procrastinate endlessly on simple tasks like folding my clothes and putting them away or replacing a light bulb that went out or even shopping for new clothes because there are so many steps involved. Some things I can’t even process at all like using coupons to get good deals or mastering a beauty routine because there are so many steps involved with that it strikes me as overwhelming. It took me a long time to even get to the point where I can cook for myself and stay on top of basic tasks. On days that lack structure I will also forget to eat unless I go out of my way to. I can’t imagine living by the healthy task example lol