Context: I was DMing for a group of two new players(A gnome rogue who’s player was used to barbarians and a half-orc barbarian who’s player is just generally weird) and one experienced player (A half-elf bard with a dark sense of humor) and I decided to record our session and these are some of the gems I found while listening.

Chad (the rogue): I grab my chair and break it in half to intimidate him.

Me: Automatic fail.

Chad: WHY

Me: You’re a fucking gnome, Chad.

Luke (barbarian): Do they have cocktail weenies here?

Me: They- um, have very small sausages?

Luke: Good, I’ll have thirteen thousand, please.

Me: What the fuck

(a barfight literally three minutes later)

Luke: I throw my weenie at the orc

Me: Roll … dexterity, I guess?

Luke: *rolls a 15*

Me: The weenie bounces off the orc’s forehead and lands at his feet. Congrats bro, now he wants to kill YOU instead of the mage in the corner.

Aiden (bard) I throw a bottle at the guy.

Me: Which guy? There are multiple guys here.

Aiden: I’m gonna aim for the big one trying to eat me, but as long as I hit one I’m good.

Me: Where do you get the bottle from?

Aiden: dammit

Chad: I attack the half-orc, yelling like a banshee.

Me: He is unimpressed, seeing as you’re nine feet shorter than him and a fucking lunatic.

Aiden: I flirt with the barista.

Me: It’s a dude . . 

Aiden: I FLIRT WITH THE BARISTA *proceeds to roll a nat20 and seduce the barista with his profound homosexuality*

Chad: What do I see around me?

Me: Utter blackness.

Chad: I mean OUTSIDE of the blackness.

Me: *rolls his perception check- 7)

Me: You see a slightly less black shape which turns out to be your own hand in front of your face.

And that’s just from the first session. Imagine what I had to endure for the rest of the campaign!