smallest-feeblest-boggart:

fantheoriesandfoodporn:

As a fairly non-religious jew I don’t think I ever appreciated how badass the story of passover was until I considered how it would look to your average egyptian dude living through it

Imagine growing up all your life being waited on by a race of slaves who despite living in squalor cling to the belief that they were the chosen of this omnipotent elder god. You laugh this up, pray to Horus and then go about your day

Then one day, a slave with a robe and staff barges into the palace claiming to be the hand of an elder god and demands liberation. You grab the popcorn and try to get a front row seat while the two highest level clerics in the entire kingdom demolish the guy, then watch in shock as he summons a giant cobra and kills them both in one go.

Then, Over the next 10 days you watch this warlock proceed to flood your rivers with blood, summon hordes of wild vermin, drop a pestilence on your people and livestock.

All the while your king goes off and says “we don’t negotiate with terrorists”

Its at this point that the hand of a dark and ancient god has had enough, and with a wave of his scepter like a conductors baton, he calls down the fucking reckoning. As meteors stream from the sky, the warlock yells out his incantation. It’s not an ancient tongue, or poem of dread. Just four simple words: “let my people go”. With one more breath he raises his staff, and with the screaming of a million angels he puts out the sun

At this point I should point out that with each plague this sorcerer has turned the domain of one of your gods against you, starting with Sobek: god of the Nile and working his way up until it appears he has struck down Horus: the god of gods.

Your gods are dead, and the only one still alive is your pharaoh: the representative of the gods on earth

Now, with extreme prejudice, this sorcerer summons a fucking angel of death, and one by one it slaughters the heir of every family until your own king, a firstborn himself pleads for mercy and gives in.

As the freed slaves retreat, your king grins and unleashes a sneak attack, pinning the sorcerer and his people between an army and the sea. Finally this sorcerer, who the whispers say was a fallen prince, raises his staff in mock surrender, and when he brings it down the fucking ocean shatters. Leaving a jagged crack for his people to escape

God fucking damn that’s hardcore

holy crap