not to be fake deep but i think being mourned while i am still alive and being blamed for what is to other people the death of my past self has been…. a distressing part of transition, to say the least. it is so deeply alienating to have people you loved and cared about mourn you as though you are dead while recoiling from you. even if/when they eventually get over themselves. to be recognized as some new person who killed the old one, rather than the version of yourself you were always going to end up being is a point of pain. and it’s a point of pain long after people stop bringing it up to you.