Me: *arrives home totally plastered*
Friend: You know you’re supposed to water down that kind of wine right
Me: *throws bread at them* It was the Song Dynasty. I was right. Frick you.
Me: *sitting on top of a building during the beheading of Marie Antoinette*
Me: *pulls a bag of popcorn and some peasant bread out of my backpack*
Roof climbing child: Who are you?
Me: Someone on a roof. *hands them some bread*
Child: Why are you dressed like that?
Me: Because I can.
Me: *struts onto a Polynesian canoe in a Star Wars t-shirt*
Me: What do you guys eat on these things? Fish?
Sailor: What the f*ck are you and where did you come from we’re in the middle of the ocean
Me: Can I have that fruit
Sailor: No. Absolutely not.
Me: Fair. *jumps overboard with my hydro flask*
Me: *walks into the Song Dynasty with a backpack and a hydro flask*
Me: Hey have you guys invented paper money yet?
Woman washing clothes: What are you talking about? Who are you?
Me: *takes a sip of my Ancient Greek wine I’m keeping in my hydro flask* Do you have paper money?
Woman: I suppose?
Me: Sweet. *walks off*
Me: *banging pots and pans in the street in the middle of the Mali empire*
Me: WHERE’S THE SALT???
Random passerby: What is a European doing this far south
Other rando: Yelling about salt apparently.
Me: *struts up to an Inca temple in bright green sunglasses*
Me: Hey guy of knowing stuff what do you know can I see your dead kings
Ancient Inca man: Are you sent from the gods to annoy me
Me: Nope, I’m doing this for free.
Me: *rolls up to a merchant in ancient Athens on Heelys and sipping a Starbucks*
Me: Yo where’s your horribly dense wine I’ve got coin
Merchant: What on earth are you wearing
Me: It’s called pants.
Merchant: I hate that.
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