American’s Teasing England: Tea in the shower, u have a queen, other relatively benign stereotypes 

American’s Teasing Canada: u have moose and beavers, maple syrup u like it

American’s Teasing Australia: kangaroos and koalas, it’s hot there, summer time, toilets flush backward

Canada, England, and Australia retaliating from that teasing: school shootings, kill a child today hm? your police murder you, you’re gonna die from a preventable disease, everyone in the country is hopelessly poor and dying, everyone’s in debt, you can’t even afford to die. THAT’ll teach u to tease us about having ANIMALS in our country! 

I mean, sure, it’s all fun and games to you. But I’ve had friends legitimately try to kill themselves just thinking about a future in this country. I have co-workers who cried on the first day of school because they were scared of dying. While I was working at a school there were three school shooting threats in 4 weeks. I had friends break out into tears after the massacre in 2018 talking about it in class, terrified that they were going to die while working–or watch students die. 

My high school history teacher was shot in the back on campus. Everyone here knows someone who’s been affected by gun violence. Everyone knows someone who’s been affected by healthcare, or lack thereof. Everyone knows someone whose life has been ruined by college debt. 

The day in, day out nightmare of living in America is not a fucking “GOTCHA” for when you’re trying to tease America. Why is this so hard to comprehend. 

Non-Americans: Ugh americans are so entitled and mean and rude

Also Non-Americans: Oh you’re gonna make fun of me drinking tea? Well you’re gonna be violently murdered and then you’ll go into thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt from the act lol this is an equivalent comparison and doesn’t make me look like the asshole in the situation at all!! Americans are soooo rude!

Any examples of what we can tease you about then? Any universal Americanisms that cause the right amount of offense without stepping over the line?

Imperial system

Shoes on in house

Smiling too much

High school football

Opossums, raccoons, deer, etc.

Carpet (I’ve heard other countries aren’t as obsessed with carpet as Americans)

Sales tax (how much will this cost? Nobody knows!)

Roadside tourist attractions (world’s biggest ball of yarn etc)

“it’s only a 6 hour drive”

Buying tea in a gallon jug

Being in the prairie states and there literally being nothing in any direction for miles not even trees

Tornadoes anything to do with tornado culture

Waffle house

The mere concept of semi trucks / 18 wheelers

Every state except California claiming they have the weirdest weather

five petrol stations within a two block radius, sometimes two of the same brand

ketchup is too spicy

mayonnaise on/in literally everything we put noodles and mayo in a bowl and call it a salad i shit you not

absolute failures at geography

deep fried everything. seriously. we deep fry BUTTER.

Absolutely everything and anything somehow being a casserole

HELL IS REAL billboard here in Ohio

The giant dinosaur roadside tourist attraction out in the middle of nowhere

Route 66

Corn fields, everywhere you look

Weird salads (like ambrosia)

Fanny packs

Prom (I’ve heard other countries don’t have prom? Or any of the other 100 school dances a year??)

People microwave their tea instead of boiling it

The white people half-jog-and-wave combo when crossing the street

Endless ads for pharmaceuticals

the spelling and pronunciation dissonance of ‘Arkansas’

Everything in Texas being shaped like Texas itself.  I’ve teased Texans about this and the responses are always either a frustrated yet resigned sigh or a boisterous “Hell yeah, it is!  TEXAS!  WOO!”

Freeways.  Look a Californian in the eyes, say “the 405″ and watch a piece of their soul flicker out.

Our collective inability to decide the pronunciation of “kebab”.

Sweetened tea is somehow the default.

That every restaurant claims to be “world famous” and somehow nobody ever gets called out on that bullshit.

The utter nonsense that is our continued fascination with disco.

Stomp your foot twice and then clap your hands once.  Repeat several times.  See what happens.