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procedurally generated chess pieces

two step evolution variants: extended royal family. they can each move one square in one direction and they are all the worst pieces possible

one-step top row? simpsons, but with some surprises. second row? steven universe so i don’t care. but the third row? now this is where things start to get interesting. that’s the nun class, and they are so lethal in combat that if i told you how the pieces work, you would die

independent evolution is a real mixed bag – from top left we’ve got: 

• a pawn but it’s very fragile
• capybara (senses betrayal)
• dilbert
• somebody’s mom from rugrats
• a hybrid between the suit of spades and a christmas tree
• the molten salt reactor
• a manlet
• becky with the good hair (useless in combat against capybara)
• bishop, but it has eyelashes
• even fragiler pawn
• rocketship
• ancient giant mushroom
• undercover nun in training (oh fuck watch out for that one)
• tea kettle (if you capture this, the extended royals die)
• diamanda galas
• mothman statue 
• the wizard
• Inflatable Advertising Sky Dancer Air Puppet Arm Flailing Tube Man    4.5 out of 5 stars    203 ratings | 37 answered questionsPrice: $130.00 & FREE Shipping

Fun facts about some of these pieces:

• The Mothman Statue moves three-dimensionally, and is difficult to track unless you have multiple boards stacked atop one another.
  
• The Ancient Giant Mushroom moves like a Rook, except on days containing the sound ‘oo’ when it moves like a Bishop; this means its moveset depends not only on the player’s native language and accent, but also on what language its player is currently thinking in.
• The two fragile pawns may be werewolves, working against the rest of your pieces; you will not know for sure until they have been captured or until they attack and overwhelm your own side (this famously cost Vassily Ivanchuk a championship game against Artur Yusupov in 1992).
• The Bishop with Eyelashes is only loosely anchored in time, and frequently will capture pieces before it moves to them. If you fail to then move it appropriately, you will create a temporal paradox and the Bishop, along with all pieces that have ever been adjacent to it, will cease to have ever existed. Any game once played with those pieces may therefore retroactively have had a different outcome; several chronoludologists believe that Rotlewi vs. Rubinstein (Lodz, 1907) originally ended in a stalemate involving a unique piece believed to be called the “Treble Mule”, but that a paradox in the 1953 Zurich Tournament using what turned out to be the same set of pieces erased the only extant Treble Mule from history, leading to Rubinstein’s decisive victory.
• Due to an obscure rule added in the 16th century, The Inflatable Advertising Sky Dancer Air Puppet Arm Flailing Tube Man 4.5 out of 5 stars 203 ratings | 37 answered questions Price: $130.00 & FREE Shipping actually does not come with free shipping when ordered while in check, and as such cannot be used in the classic Lasker-Morphy defense without a substantial investment; beginning players often find themselves forced to mortgage several properties to get out of check, leading to a loss of tempi over the next few turns.
• The Molten Salt Reactor is unstable and will explode if captured en passant, destroying neighboring pieces and rendering nearby squares uninhabitable for upwards of one thousand turns.
• The Rocketship, due to a typo in the original rules of chess, cannot move.