glumshoe:

lyrslair:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

notbomb:

glumshoe:

hawaiian-monk-selkie:

glumshoe:

GOD some fucking… gigantic FedEx-looking muscled meatheads just marched up to the door of the nature center, where I am working alone, talking about how if anyone tried to make them wear a mask inside they could suck their dicks and how no one could stop them if they wanted to go in.

I jumped up and blocked the doorway, putting on my most friendly-but-authoritative voice and holding the spare masks in front of me like a weapon, and said “IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME INSIDE YOU MUST WEAR A MASK BUT YOU ARE FREE TO ENJOY OUR OUTDOOR OFFERINGS WITHOUT ONE.”

And they fucking turned around and left without a word of protest. One of them thanked me awkwardly. I’m slightly jittery from the rush of unused adrenaline but I can’t believe that despite all their posturing and aggression, they were defeated by customer service voice.

It’s the combination of cheerful voice and dead eyes that usually scares off the big burly types 😂

My eyes were anything but dead… I think I had Barbie-like animation. They’re probably just not used to being aggressively-but-politely told “no” and didn’t realize I’d overheard their macho posturing.

Can confirm full-on Barbie Customer Service Face and Voice can murder a god if you have enough Hidden Spite and Hatred behind it.

I have scared grown men with my sugary-sweetest voice and smile–usually by threatening them with very graphic violence but even “I’m sorry, but that’s against company policy and I’m afraid I can’t do that,” can sound like “I will crack open your ribcage like a walnut and feast on your still-beating heart, motherfucker” if you feel it in your soul. It’s the Charlize Theron murder-walk tutorial but for customer service.

It’s less retail customer service than it is like… Flight Attendant? It’s not Teacher Voice because it carries an implicit threat of murder. Flight attendants pretend to be there for your comfort and convenience but are actually there to cut your throat if you fuck around, while smiling brightly. God… flight attendants are scary. I want to take lessons.

#this will not work on women though  #either you get your manager or you kick them out  

You’re right… women take one look at me trying to assert Aggressively Cheerful Dominance and go “I am better at this than you” and push past me and then it’s like. Well. I guess I’ll just cry about this when I get home and schedule another nasal swab. 

The ONLY thing I’ve found so far that discourages anti-masker moms is chemical warfare. If they smell traces of Lysol or some inorganic cleaning product they will make a hasty and resentful retreat before their toddler contracts autism from my deodorant.

Can of Lysol in a holster carried on your person?

Sign on the door saying “unattended Karens will be vaccinated”?

…god I never thought I’d see the day I actually wanted to weaponize that bullshit. *drags hands down face*

I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.

I aim with my eye.

I do not spray with my hand; he who sprays with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.

I spray with my mind.

I do not clean with my Lysol; he who cleans with his Lysol has forgotten the face of his father.

I clean with my heart.