tangentqueenofdragons:

intheicyairofnight:

with spoilers obviously

• when Edward first smells Bella it takes him two pages of inner monologue before he thinks of holding his breath
• apparently vampires can run so fast they don’t leave footprints in snow just like LotR elves and this is physics nonsense
• Edward listening to a CD of “violent music”
• “a word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady” ajlskdflj
  
• Alice to Jasper: “I know you love me. Thanks.”
• “And then my conscience smote me.”
  
• “She was offended by my teasing. I must have done it wrong again.”
  
• the “dazzling” moments from the original book are Edward fruitlessly trying to frighten people by baring his teeth I can’t deal
• when Bella points this out he thinks “I’m losing my edge”
• Edward worries about whether Bella thinks he’s pretty
• Bella wears a shirt “cut low enough to reveal her collarbones” 
• Edward literally thinks the sparkling will horrify and disgust her
• “I avoided the word ‘sex’ because she did” OH GROW UP
  
• “It was enlightening and alluring to watch her in her element” IS THE INTRODUCTION TO A PARAGRAPH OF HER MAKING CHEERIOS
  
• the book. includes. a car chase.
• during the car chase they knock off the side mirrors and EMMETT AND JASPER LOOK OUT THE WINDOWS SO EDWARD CAN READ THEIR MINDS AS REPLACEMENT SIDE MIRRORS this isn’t stated in the book but I like to imagine they stuck their heads all the way out like happy dogs

Credit where it’s due, that last fact is actually clever and also the funniest thing I’ve ever read