I’m the real estate agent that sells obviously haunted houses to nice white families that want to get away from it all.

I would like to give you my business. I’m tryin to die penniless and leave nothing but a found footage film to my kids in the will

Then oh boy, do I have the forest cottage for you! Far from anyone that could help you, it has a gorgeous view of a lake where dozens of people have gone missing. There’s a rumor of a killer that raises from the water, but this place has an excellent porch

Is there a small, dark washing room in the basement corner that’s at least ten degrees colder than the rest of the house? That’s a must.

Yes. And there’s a latch window that always seems to swing open in the middle of the night.

Wonderful! I especially love how cell receptionist patchy at best, making any attempted outgoing call to the police as dramatic as possible.

I think you’ll also love how it’ll immediately become pitch black as soon as the clock strikes 5:00 pm no matter the time of year. There’s also no stars for some reason.

Did the previous owner leave any religious iconography that could slowly appear to distort and corrupt over time, or will I need to furnish that myself?

Let’s just say I definitely didn’t put these area rugs here myself to cover a few ornate symbols drawn in blood 😇

You’ve got a sale!