kitsune-lou:

secondbeatsongs:

autisticwolfesbrainisautistic:

powersandplanetaries:

universesizedcock:

thotmendes:

turians:

asimovsideburns:

bigmammallama5:

shoutsindwarvish:

memewhore:

@apocrypals this is real

EXTREME TEEN BIBLE… REAL

Y'all are NOT READY for their shirt merch

I’d buy the “yeet pray love” shirt if it came in black tbh

“Pick up your sword bruh”

There are two possible explanations for this. Either no one involved in this project has spoken firsthand to a teenager in over twelve years and their only sources are op-eds written by other baby boomers. Or they did consult actual teenagers, who succeeded in trolling the living hell out of them.

six of one, half dozen of the other

so, I looked into this, because as an ex-church-kid, this delights me to no end. and, my friends? we have only just begun to pull the thread on this sweater!

this book was originally published on August 14th 2020. as you can see above, Matt Walsh’s tweets were from August 21st - but he wasn’t the only one to notice this garbage, and he wasn’t even the first.

by August 20th, multiple Christian news websites had already taken issue with the book, as you can tell by these hilarious headlines:

and by the end of the 20th (at 5:35pm to be exact) Lifeway issued an apology:

lol, guess they realized they fucked up baaad.

(a day later, Sunday Cool also jumped on board the apology train, with this cringe-worthy nonsense.)

so, both companies apologized, assured people that they weren’t trying to translate the whole bible into this “Gen-Z lingo” (gross), and said that people could still buy the book if they wanted to.

but here’s the deal. the book they’re selling? it’s not the original book.

Exhibit A:

^ that’s the original cover of the book. “The Word According to Gen Z - A 30-Day Devo Challenge.”

but the book they’re selling now? well, see for yourself. Exhibit B:

“The Word According to Gen Z - A 30-Day Devo Challenge Using a Made-Up Language for a Real Generation.”

“Using a Made-Up Language for a Real Generation”

these nerds don’t want to admit that they actually thought Gen Z talked like that! what a lack of commitment. they disappoint me.

and the free sample pdf on their website is edited as well! no longer does it say “Cap G” (short for Capital G, by the way - like how Christians spell “God” with a capital G) and “Big J” - now, it just says “God” and “Jesus.”

…good thing I’m a veritable internet detective, because I found the original sample pdf, which is just as cringey as it looked! I recommend skimming it if you want, because it’s a disaster.

but, now that we know that they edited the book, how will we find out what the rest of the verses were? how ever can we know just how bad it truly was before Christian news sites yelled “blasphemy!” and Lifeway had a collective panic attack?

well, guess what! this devo book came with video lesson tie-ins, and they left their whole website up, for anyone to stumble across!

it’s right here, and it’s…jesus fuck. it’s painful.

here are a few of the other “translations,” next to the original verses, so that you can compare:

Isaiah 40:8, NIV Bible:

“The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”

The “Gen-Z” version:

“Moo moo food goes bye bye, and pedal pads take an L, but Cap G’s scripts are perm.“

what the fuck? what the actual fuck? here, have another:

Matthew 4:4, NIV Bible:

“Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

The “Gen-Z” version:

“Dudes can’t make it on sammie blanks alone, gotta feast on that real talk from Cap G.”

“sammie blanks”?? sammie blanks?

Ephesians 6:17, NIV Bible:

“Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

The “Gen-Z” version:

“Take that noggin guard of savies and that big ol’ knife of Cap G’s wordz.”

ah, of course. that big ol’ knife.

one last one, and then I’m done with this.

Galatians 6:2, NIV Bible:

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

The “Gen-Z” version:

“Forklift your fam’s saddies so Cap G’s sched is maxed out and relaxing all cool.”

I…I’ve got nothing. this broke me. I give up!

final notes:

1. don’t go following Matt Walsh on twitter. like, I’m glad he brought this to our attention, but he’s marked red on shinigami eyes, and from his tweets, he looks like a shitty person.

2. all of these translations are actually blasphemy, and I’m pretty sure a few of them count as straight-up heresy. so, there’s a fun thought!

3. I’m pretty sure this is also racist? like, some of these verses seem like mangled AAVE, and that’s not okay! that’s fucking terrible!

4. when you click on any of the video tie-ins, you’ll find out that the guy in the devo videos looks like this:

yes, he’s wearing sunglasses in a dimly-lit room. and yes, he’s wearing a shirt with a picture of praying hands and the word “Yeet” on it. and on that note…

5. what the fuck do they think “yeet” means? I mean, that “yeet pray love” shirt is a work of art, but this begs the question…what do they actually think it means?

what are we supposed to be yeeting?

anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk.

This whole thing is hilarious.

I unironically want “forklift your fams saddies” shirt