[audio transcript:

Batman: Alright, which one of you motherfuckers did it?

Tim Drake [chuckling]: Woah, Bruce, you doing good?

Batman: [untranscribable grumbling stutter; negative connotations] Shut the fuck up; which one of you did?

Jason Todd: Well, that very much depends on what the fuck you’re asking about.

Dick Grayson: Yeah, what he said, cuz honestly I’ve done like six things in the last four hours alone that could probably tempt that response.

Bat: Confess or I call Alfred in here, and he’ll make you tell me.

Tim: Nah. Nah, you’re bluffing! You wouldn’t dar--

Bat: Alfre--!

Tim [rapidly]: Me and Steph convinced Damien that petting zoos were like free yard sales for barn animals!

Bat: I’m sor--?! You did fucking what?!

Dick [rapidly]: No, no, that’s not it. The villains from the Silver Age that you thought disappeared didn’t. I just fight them alone and don’t tell you about it, because I don’t want you to break all of their bones.

Bat [startled]: Jesus Christ, I’m not that violent, am I?

Jason [rapidly]: Uhh, a little while ago, I replaced Two Face’s coin with an identical replica that’s weighted so that it will always land with the unscarred side face-up?

Bat [stunned]: Does that why we haven’t heard from him in, like, three months?

Tim: I painted all of Jason’s helmets blue.

Dick: And I replaced all of his guns with water pistols.

Jason: I replaced all of Tim’s coffee with decaf.

Tim [enraged]: You WHAT?!

Bat: Alright, enough, Jesus! I was asking which one of you told Superman that if he exposes more skin, he’ll get more sun radiation?! He’s out there in a fucking Speedo!

Dick [laughing]: Ooh yeah, that was me.

Bat [exasperated]: Right, great - come fix this!

Dick [cheeky]: Sounds to me like that ain’t a situation that needs fixing.

Bat [enraged, speaking through gritted teeth]: Now!

end transcription]