part of the reason people go years without knowing theyre autistic because they dont “act” autistic in front of other people is because theyve been so conditioned to repress their symptoms that they become unobservable, sometimes even to themselves. this is masking. its not a light switch that can be turned on and off again. its the gradual repression and punishment for acting anything but neurotypical and the construction of a new, more socially acceptable identity.

as time goes on and your most ‘offensive’ symptoms are ‘under control’ the only things that remain are the ones that only hurt you and the exhaustion. you cant even unwind fully in private because of the fear of being ‘wrong’. the reason so many autistic people struggle with identity is because we’ve literally been forced to abandon who we are at a core level and make one to appease the world. forced to act completely against our nature in order to... act more ‘natural’.