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abyssopelagic-alexithymia:

yumearashi:

This is so important, stories like this need to be told.  The cultural insistence we have that parenthood is some kind of magical bonding that happens every time without exception does real harm to both parents and children, as you can see from some of these stories:

My father recently told me he never wanted kids, but my mother wanted them. She thought he would love us when we were born.

and

I didn’t realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. […] My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don’t like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don’t get to leave this job, though. 

and

I also thought I wouldn’t mind missing out on all the partying and holidays because I would have the ultimate gift, a child.

and

I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.  I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they’re pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it’s exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to “check out” of reality from time to time.

and

Because kids aren’t the life completer we believe they are.

Are there people for whom having children completes their lives?  No doubt.  Are there parents for whom the downsides like sleeplessness and loss of personal time are outweighed by the love and joy they feel?  Of course.  Are there people who change their minds about wanting kids once they have them?  Sure.  But that’s not true for everyone.  It doesn’t happen every time, it’s never guaranteed, and the consequences are grievous when people who don’t want children have them anyway trusting that they will love the child and be happy.

We need to dispel the starry-eyed myths around pregnancy, childbirth, and marriage and create more realistic expectations.  Parenthood is too important a choice for people not to go into it with their eyes open.

“It doesn’t happen every time, it’s never guaranteed, and the consequences are grievous when people who don’t want children have them anyway trusting that they will love the child and be happy.” 

There’s a book on this topic that was groundbreaking when it came out, called Regretting Motherhood: A Study by Dr. Orna Donath. The backlash was insane. This is a topic that simply wasn’t discussed, and as the book became more famous (was translated into multiple languages, received a lot of public attention), the responses also became more incendiary. I had the utter honor and pleasure of studying with Orna - she read us some of the death threats she received, in her calm and measured manner, using them to further show just how deeply society expects motherhood of women.

I haven’t read the book myself, but knowing Orna, and having read some of her other work, I wholeheartedly recommend it.